Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
