Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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