I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
