People in love make me want to vomit
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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