Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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