Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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