Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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