I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
