So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
