it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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