a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
