I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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