3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
