HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize