Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
