i would punch a child for taco bell
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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