Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
