As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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