Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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