just come out here and I will go home with you...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
