We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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