If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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