Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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