By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
