i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
