You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
