This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
