Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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