you guys were way drunker than both of me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You smell like a Billy Joel song
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
