I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
