I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
