Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
