so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize