She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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