I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
