ugly people sure do ruin things
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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