We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
