I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
