he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
