I think my fart just growled at me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
