If that was your dad, he is hot
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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