totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
