I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
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