Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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