I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
