The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize