after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
