I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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