I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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