So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
