so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
