never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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