good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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