I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
