my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
