you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize