My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
