i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
