Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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