haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
