I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
