Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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