There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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